Friday, July 10, 2009

Missing my Sis....

It’s late night, well, around 12:20 and I’m nostalgic. I miss Denise.

I search my sister’s name “Denise Hamilton”. It results in some author, but not my sister who didn’t have enough time to become any famous anything or any accomplished figure. Diagnosed at only 19 with a terminal brain tumor, she only had about 16 months to live. To modify the search to her name + “tumor” or “brain tumor” is futile. With such a short time in this world, the impact didn’t affect Google or other online resources, who were barely even a blip at that time. I worry about the overall affect as the immense guilt is almost too much to bear. The love and connection to a dear younger sister is one thing, but the effort to make sure a life is not forgotten, well, that is quite another……

Pure sadness overwhelms me as I consider he unthinkable, that beautiful Denise could be forgotten. She was such a nice and friendly soul, it never occurred to me that it would be possible, nor did I ever think that I needed to make sure that didn't happen.

But now we are past 10 year reunions, and I can't help but wonder who told the rightful story to its attendants? And as we have moved past the marriage of best friends, who stood in her place as Maid of Honor? Who keeps her story alive and makes sure such a good, spirited, and lively soul continues its impact in this world?

And then it occurs to me...life will go on for most. Friends are "replacable", but Sisters are not. So perhaps it's my job. And if that's the case, I've been doing a sucky job. Far inferior to what she would probably do for me.

In contrast to the case of "friends", there is a finite number and in my case, it's 2. I can't move on and just replace the void. My older sister and I have this emptiness that when asked how many sisters we have, we must say "Two, but our youngest sister past away." And then the inexplicable is upon us. How do you explain the biggest tradgedy of your life to someone you've just met? Or someone you've known for a while? How can they possibly understand? Hopefully, they can't.

It sucks! But what do you do? There's nothing that can change the past. Death is so final, and there is simply no second chance. I would do things differently now though. Spend more time with her. Help her reach her goals. And even change to more aggressive treatment options.

But there is not much benefit from these wishes that mostly conjour thoughts of regrets. I loved my sister and hope I was the best sister at the time. But when contemplating death, it's hard to not consider the lasting effects of death. I miss Denise. I miss my sister dearly. This is the first time I've put it in words and really focused on the lasting effects this tradgedy has had on me.

I guess I just needed a place tonight to let out my thoughts. I don't really know who all reads my entries, but by posting these thoughts and feelings, I feel like I am rekindling some of my sister's fire. I loved her so much and miss her so much, and I just really want to keep the memory of her soul in this world.

I love you, Denise Nicole Hamilton. I love you and miss you!